I felt every bit of the oxygen get sucked out of the room as his mom told me the news that she and her estranged husband had reconciled and that they would again be returning to Texas, and taking my son with them. Having him for the summer allowed her time to fly often to Houston to work on her marriage. Such irony that having time with my son would now cause me to lose him. It was happening at the end of the week, time too short to do anything about it, and far too short of time remaining with him.
Stunned, my heart plucked from my chest, I hung up the phone. The same wave of sad despair washed over me as it had once before. I could see him playing in the next room. My legs felt weak as I stumbled towards my bedroom door. Once behind it, I felt the stinging tears come. I am usually a little disappointed in myself to cry. Men don't cry, right? Not 'real men', as I sometimes say. I sobbed into my pillow, sometimes loudly, for what seemed too long. I wondered how I could possibly do this again.
I knew that I wanted to be strong for him. I wanted our last week to be full of family, fun, friends and laughter. I didn't want tears, not from me, not from the family, and certainly not from him. Sure, there would be the inevitable tears as we said our goodbyes on the last day, but I didn't want my sadness to mar our last week together. I had to put on a brave face and be the strong dad that he knows. I decided that was exactly what I would do.
In the shower, I broke down again, for just a minute. I considered how many people cry in the shower. I have a lot of frustration with myself at such an emotional outburst. 'Suck it up! Be a man!', I told myself.
Once dressed, I checked my face for any signs of crying. Seeing none, I went out to be with him in the living room. I watched him for a few moments, feeling the pure love of a father. It is the same way I watch all my kids. I felt the familiar brimming of tears and tried the 'dad move' to wipe them away as if I were just rubbing my eyes a bit. He saw. His own tears welled up in his eyes and he came to me and crawled onto my lap. We held each other tightly and silently for a moment. 'She told you', he said.
In the few days that have passed since then, there have been no more tears together. There have been no more tears in front of him. No more tears on that side of the door. I am not on his side of the door right now. We have just two days left. Two days. I hear him open his bedroom door. It is time to wipe my eyes, smile, and join him on the other side of the door.
