What Is The Point Anyway?

I saw an old high school friend today. Well, she isn't old. Let's say a longtime friend. She still looks like she did in school. When she gave me a hug goodbye, she encouraged me to keep writing this blog and suggested that it could be important to some people. While I don't consider my ramblings as anything particularly noteworthy, the reaction has been very favorable.

I admit to having concerns that if I write in some kind of chronological order, the initial posts will be very depressing and sad. I currently find myself on that other side of a very dark period in my life, something of a refiner's fire. I now allow happiness to leak into my life on occasion and hope to embrace it fully. I have learned that many sad people do not feel worthy of happiness even though it is readily available to them.

This blog is about loss, but also about abundance. This blog is about debilitating sorrow and unparalleled joy. It is about guilt, shame, forgiveness and letting go. It is about fear, regret and peace.

It is about one man's journey and the lessons learned along the way. It is a written account of my path to becoming the person I have always wanted to be. It is about my mistakes and my triumphs.  It is about the people who presented themselves in my life with the express purpose to share a lesson with me.

The blog is about the people who come and go from my life, those who have been endlessly encouraging, as well as those who have found me a shameless attention seeker.

Some people bless your life when they enter it, others by leaving. I hope to be nothing more than a good father, a good son, a good brother and friend. At times, I have been none of those.  To my amazement, I have discovered that when I wake up tomorrow, it will be a new day filled with hope and the chance to be a better man.

Through this blog, I hope to share my attempts to trade my ego for enlightenment, my sorrow for joy, and my ignorance for love. Well, that sounded cheesy as hell but it is late.

Please bear with me for my next few postings. They aren't gonna be too full of sunshine and puppy dog tails but I want you to know from whence I came.  Whence? A little Olde English with which to end. Goodnight.

Of Lost and Future Loves

I often find myself contemplating how two people, who one pledged their undying devotion and love to one another, can find themselves suddenly strangers, sometimes while within the walls of their own home.

Having two ex wives to my credit, or discredit, I am no stranger to the hurt and disappointment that comes along with having lost a love.  Certainly there is some acceptance that it was for the best and I feel I am a better man for having known them.  Still, I consider all of the little steps that happened between the happy "I do's" and the decision to split.

I discovered then, and today, that people do not leave your life if they really want to be with you.  It hurts, it makes you feel inadequate and yet it is preferable to living a life of pretending.

I have had this bad habit in recent years of not always putting things back in the garage after I have used them outside.  A host of mowers, tools, rakes, thatchers, trimmers, sports equipment and the like make it near the garage, but never quite inside.  As a result, they fall victim to the elements, the rain and snow eventually take their toll.  I work hard for my money and all of those things were no small investment. One rainfall probably wouldn't have much adverse effect, but leave things out through  a long winter, and rain and snow eventually ruin the strongest of metal.

How similar is love?  Not taking care of it through one rainfall may not cause much damage, but not taking measures to protect it from outside forces will eventually cost you that which you once valued above all else.

I still believe in love, that there is magic in the right relationship, and that one couple is stronger than two individuals.  I believe that true love means a union that forsakes all others, and is built on a foundation of trust and respect.  If I ever find that person who feels similarly for me, this time I'll know enough to bring her in out of the rain.

Sometimes Life Is Not A Fairy Tale

I guess I have posted enough ridiculousness on Facebook, that many people suggested that I join millions of other bloggers who post equally ridiculous nonsense that no one cares to read.  For me, writing can sometimes be therapeutic and a way to get thoughts out of my head that might otherwise keep me up at night.  To be fair, dozens of people have told me that I am too open and that I expose my soft white underbelly (not pretty) too often.  At the same time, others have found comfort, direction, and a sense of similarity with some of my most troubled times.  This blog is for the latter group, and for some of my family, who really haven't figured me out as yet.

So, my first post will be about the bewildered state in which I find myself.  Every young person imagines that they will find the love of their life, marry, perhaps have a batch of kids, and live a long and fulfilling life in wedded 'bliss'.   Yeah - BS.   I must say that I admire and envy those who are living that dream.  Happy for ya', good on ya'..and all that rot.

Instead, I find myself twice divorced, 4 kids from Round One and another from Round Two.  My kids have been my biggest blessings and were certainly reason enough to be married to their mothers.  Obviously, there is plenty of blame to go around in a failed marriage, and I admit to my share.  I might even accept more than half.  Either way, I'm still divorced.  I still live alone in a bachelor pad out in the sticks.  The quiet can be unnerving at times until the kids come around.

I must mention my former wives (look at that, I still can't really say EX -wives).  They are both wonderful and beautiful women with whom I was happy to share my life and love.  They have given me the greatest gifts in my kids and for that I will be forever grateful.  I wish them nothing but happiness.  I believe kids are a product of both parents, and when one parent attacks another, kids feel that attack too, as part of them.  I want no part in that.

I remember telling a divorcing friend that a failed marriage didn't mean a failed person....then I got divorced myself.  There is no end to the feelings of failure, particularly when the divorce was not of your choosing.  Every divorced person must decide for themselves how much they wanna wallow in their misery and when it is time to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.  Some need extra help to get out of that place.

Being the non custodial parent is tough as well and I often found myself just living for the moments I had the kids around.  Thats not ideal either.

The period following divorce is rich in one thing - OPPORTUNITY.  Each of us, no matter our circumstances has the chance to reinvent ourselves every day.  That is never more true than with a divorced person.  For me, the last year has been all about trying to live a purposeful life and become a person in whom I an be proud.  This blog will be all about that journey, fraught with mistakes, a lot of profound sadness, some laughs, and loads of enlightenment.  If you think you might find something of value here, please feel free to climb aboard, follow, or whatever it is you do with a blog..