Are You Absolutely Positive?

Those who know me well are aware that I have been on some type of  'journey' in the past few years. I suppose I have been seeking some kind of enlightenment, some belief in who I am as a man, some 'oneness' with the universe and all of that nonsense.  Mostly, I want to be comfortable with the guy I see in the mirror every morning.

One of the things I knew I had to conquer was pride.  Not the kind of pride a parent has for a child or that one might feel for his country or sports team, but foolish pride.  This kind of pride robs you of peace and opportunities for joy.  Most of the major mistakes that I have made in my life have been as a result of pride and wrongly seeking the approval of others when I wanted to feel valued or that I mattered.

I decided to take an alternative route and become very vulnerable and devoid of pride.  I exposed dark times in my life publicly which included self doubt, past thoughts of suicide, relationship difficulty and loss.  While many people have told me that they have identified with my struggles and left encouraged, an equal number accuse me of exposing 'too much', living my life in public and even suggest that it is all just attention seeking.  Both opinions have merit and have caused me many sleepless nights of contemplation.

I never wanted to be the guy that drags his own rain cloud around with him so I challenged myself to a 72 hour test of being only positive.  I would only post positive things, make positive comments to others and maintain positive thoughts at all times.  I thought that it would be easy - it wasn't.  Today is the end of the 72 hours and it was 3 days of struggle between both forces.

No sooner did I start my challenge when someone, for whom I care deeply, hurt me in an immeasurable way.  I found it difficult to keep positive thoughts through the experience and the pain of it all persists.

It reminded me of the Native American parable about the wise grandfather wagering with his grandson about the potential winner of an upcoming fight between two wolves.  It seems the grandfather declared that he knew that the winner of the fight would be the white wolf rather than the black.  When his prediction proved true, the grandson questioned the old man about how he knew with such certainty which wolf would be victorious.  The wise grandfather explained that he had cared for the wolves in the days prior to the fight, and he knew that the victor would be 'the one you feed'.

I have had my share of debilitating experiences and have been knocked off my foundation more than once.  At the same time, there exists in my life sources of infinite joy.  I, and each of us, have the daily opportunity to choose the well from which we will fill our buckets.  Reasons to be sad and depressed are abundant but so are reasons to be happy, fulfilled and joyful.

I know I talk a big game and I am well aware that I will still have my moments of doubt and darkness, but for today, I choose light.  Positivity is a habit that can be developed like any other.  We should separate ourselves from the negative and embrace all the good that we have all around us.  I want to be a positive force in the world and to those with whom I come in contact.

I remain a work in progress...