If You Can't Say Somethin' Nice

Some of the biggest lessons in my life have come from being a completely oblivious idiot, or, more likely, not fully considering the consequences of my actions. Recently, I made a huge mistake, and one that was not altogether unlike a mistake that I had made years earlier. I hope THIS time I have fully learned my lesson.

In the last month or so, I had the good fortune of making a new friend.  She was driven, successful with a business that she had created, attractive and a wonderful mother and person.  In the few conversations that I had with her, I really came to admire who she was.  Although in the throes of a divorce, she had an amazingly positive attitude, a quick wit, and an endearing demeanor.  The few times that we spoke, she was always very clear that, although divorcing, she was a married woman and would do nothing to call her fidelity into question.  I respected that immensely.

Here is where the plot thickens. Another very close friend was aware that I had become friends with the woman.  She had heard some very derogatory things about my new friend from a different male friend of hers.  Although she didn't know my new friend personally, she wanted me to know what she had heard.  I am convinced that her only concern was looking out for my best interest and that she had intended no malice.

Enter Daren, to truly make the situation worse.  Suffice it to say that I didn't believe what I heard. Having divorced twice, I thought my new friend 'deserved' to know what some people had been saying about her.  I thought it was worthy information to have so that she could be prepared for any eventuality in the divorce.  When we next spoke, I told her that I had to tell her something the next time I saw her.  MISTAKE.  You don't prep someone for bad news, then let them brood about it until some future date.  She was adamant that I tell her on the spot through Facebook messaging.  Although, I was by then feeling very uneasy, I agreed, feeling like I was doing the 'right thing' by her.  I wasn't.

She was understandably upset and likewise upset with me that I was involved in even telling her.  The next day she went right to the source of the original poison and questioned him about it.  He told my other friend, who told me what was said, and that I had revealed something told to me in confidence - which I had.  My friend, whose only interest was in making sure that I didn't make a mistake, felt thrown under the bus.  In a way, she was right.  Because she shared what she heard with me, she ended up looking like a gossip and I put everything in place to make it appear just that way.  I am so sorry to have violated her trust and confidence in me.  It was reprehensible and I have apologized profusely.  She deserved better of me.

In the end, my new friend was justifiably disappointed in me as a man, and that I would be part of such a painful experience.  I had felt like we were in the beginning stages of a great friendship, but I ruined that by not more carefully considering the far reaching effects of my words.  In parting, she suggested that I take an inward look at myself and discover what would make not be the kind of man that she had believed me to be.  Although I asked her forgiveness and she was gracious enough to grant it, the growing friendship was shattered.  She deserved better of me as well.

I have wrestled mightily with that over the last several weeks.  It brought me back to that old Bambi movie where the Thumper character says, 'If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all". There was no good that could have come out of what I said.  My flawed belief that she deserved to know, only ended up being a painful experience to her, my other friend and me personally.  She didn't deserve to know, not from me anyway.  She deserved my compassion in keeping it to myself.  She deserved my empathy, having been in her shoes, and she deserved my positive words of encouragement.  Similarly, my other friend deserved to know that her trust in me was justified and that I recognized her reasons for sharing what she had been told.  Instead, I sang like a canary.  I had nothing to gain from telling, instead I took that situation and made it as negative as possible under the guise of doing the right thing.  It couldn't have been further from the right thing.

I couldn't be more disappointed in myself for what I did.  Soon after, I tried a 72 hour experiment of only saying positive and affirmative words to people.  It was amazing and seemed to lift those with whom I came in contact.  Even more, it made me feel better about myself and my choices.  Words have power, to build or destroy, for ourselves and others.  I hope to always choose mine with more thought. Again, my profound apologies to those involved.  I can only forgive myself as I make correct choices in the future.  I hope you can all do the same.