 |
| My Hanging Tree |
This is my hanging tree. In a way, this will be one of my most revealing posts ever. For years I have struggled with thoughts of taking my own life, during any number of moments of quiet desperation. This is where I had plans to do it, I even had the noose tied for a long time. So many times did I hear about it being the 'cowards way out'. For me, it was more being afraid to actually do it, not for the sweet relief of death, but for the knowledge of the far reaching effects on my family, and the shame and sadness it might bring them. I also considered who might find me and what that image might cause. Its shameful really, to never quite put it out of my mind. It makes me feel weak of mind that I think of it with some regularity. I often look for one good reason to go on another day, usually it comes from a kind word from a friend or a family member. Please don't underestimate how you might affect people that you see on a daily basis. You never know if you might be their reason for hanging on one more day. Currently, my life is improving because of special friends and family and improving business situations. I suspect some of you have had similar thoughts and may not have discussed it with anyone. Please, find someone to talk to. Help is free. Call a friend, call your mom, your spouse or significant other, call me. People care about you, as I am learning, they do about me too...
That was it. For some reason, I felt like someone needed to hear it at the moment I wrote it. I've never felt necessarily like I was useful in some big God/Karma/Universe/The Secret way but I just rolled with the feeling. The response after posting was amazing, in an overwhelmingly positive way, yet not without its negatives.
First of all, some in my family were concerned that I was then contemplating re-tying the noose - I wasn't. A girl that I was dating and I decided to see other people, she thought perhaps she was the reason - she wasn't. I wasn't really sure WHY I posted it at that exact time until later.
If you are my Facebook friend, and you are interested, go check out my original March 11, 2014 post and all the comments to follow. Pretty diverse. My own daughter admitted having similar feelings stemming from some bullying at Rigby High School before she transfer, using my address, to Bonneville.
A large number of the public comments came from well meaning friends, whom I love dearly, who wanted to cut the tree down. I actually love that old tree and the creepy chain hanging from it. Having it gone would not be a real deterrent if I was still having such thought. Now when I see the tree, I feel some kind of kinship with it, knowing we are currently past that point. It doesn't 'beckon' me.
The fascinating part for me came through private messages that I received after posting. In deference to those people who shared their private thoughts and experiences with me, I wont go into much detail here. What I am comfortable saying is that no less that three people said that they had read that post and decided NOT to go ahead with their own suicide plans. One said that if 'someone like me' had such thoughts, then she was not alone in hers and she could also overcome them. Three seems like a high number of my own friends to be contemplating suicide but that's what it was. I wonder how many people have/had similar thoughts and didn't contact me.
My mom told me that I did myself a 'real disservice' but being so open about it on Facebook. She felt, as many do, that I post too many private thoughts that should be kept personal. She feared that my friends, and potential clients, would see me as being weak and unstable. Perhaps she is correct with regard to a few on my friends list but I believe the overwhelming majority were supportive and understanding. If even one person, decided to go on trying even one more day because of what they read, I'll accept any fallout that came with it.
Again, thanks for everyone's kind words and concerns. I won't pretend that suicide is no longer a thought that I entertain. I think most people, if they were honest, would admit to having such thoughts at some point in their life. I can say that each day, I find more and more reasons to think I have a wonderful life.
Daren, I cannot tell you how much this blog means to me! I am where you have been and still are! I have the same thoughts and I fight them every single second of my life! Knowing I am not alone helps more than you can imagine! I used to be one of those people that totally thought people who committed suicide were some of the most selfish in considerate people in the world because of the pain and loss the left behind! I no longer think this way! The thoughts that enter your head even though you don't ask for them they are there! I struggle every single day fighting what I call the demons of my mind and keeping them at bay! I live in fear that one small thing is going to happen and I will no longer be able to push them away or find a reason to stay! I also feel the I am worth nothing, I am not good enough, I will never find love again, I am ugly and fat oh and on top of that disabled so who would take the time and care to love me the way I am? wanted to end it all and I read your blog and it made me believe in myself and that I was not at fault now since I truly felt I was doing what was needed to be done with their best interest. But it wasn't enough I made a plan to end it all and my baby boy say to me " Ma, you are the best mom in the whole world!" That small comment meant the world to me and I kept going yet plan is still there floating around I am sure you know what I mean. I struggle everyday with the thought as ugly as they be and my not wanting them in my mind they are there and insistent! So this is why my opinion of those who have actually followed through with committing suicide and one of those moments and could no longer fight the thoughts! I think all the time of the ifs. If I could have said a caring word, or just listened I may have made a difference! So your comment on a person doesn't realize that their kind comment may have just given that person one more day! My divorce shook me to the core and the things that came out of this union I am grateful for yet the horrible things I found out which caused the divorce and realizing I had been used for over 14 yrs of my life was very difficult to accept. I am still in counseling and haven't even began to start working on getting better yet just maintaining. I personally have lost me love of life and it was once very vibrant! I have lost my spirituality that I once was so devoted to. I still believe in God for if I didn't who knows where I would be now. I need to let you know how you inspired me. Back in August of last year you posted something and honestly I can't remember what it was but you inspired me to return to work! To do something that I highly love and find so much pleasure in doing! I am teaching an Arts and Craftts class to 6th and 7th graders and I was teaching Spanish but made a teacher angry at me and since she pretty much runs the school within two weeks I was replaced. I am okay with this since it freed up time for the other class! In the morning I assist the special needs kid so with their school work! Very rewarding and I owe it to you! I wish you would consider getting together so our sons could Meet each other and do something with you. My son needs a gentle kind man that enjoys doing fun things with his son! I just know they would get along and your influence on my son I just am positive would impact him in. More ways than one! I am not talking of anything but two friends getting together for their sons getting to know each other and for my son to learn what a real dad is like! His dad's idea of being together is taking him to work with him and having him work! No fun time at all. Anyways I just wanted to say thank you for everything you have done for me personally by posting what you do! This is all it will let me write so I will say goodnight, sweet dreams and God bless!
ReplyDelete