The Greatest Guy I Never Knew

Fathers Day.  Everyone is posting pictures of themselves with their dads on Facebook.  I realize that I do not have any pictures like that, in fact, the only ones that show us together are a few family or wedding pictures.  We were never together in picture taking occasions.

Like a lot of boys, my dad was my hero.  When I was young, and since, I have never heard of someone who did not like him.  He made many friends during his years in business, and later, in politics as a County Commissioner.  He was well known for his honesty, hard work, and sense of fairness.  He was an all around good guy, from being a handsome young athlete to a well respected community leader.  It seemed that everyone knew him.  Everyone, that is, except his youngest son.

I was the last of 5 kids, with a 5 year gap between my next oldest brother and I.  All of my memories of being with my father centered around work.  He was an extremely hard worker and it was something that he taught all of his children.  If I wanted to spend any time with him as a child, it would be on his Wonder Bread truck.  I remember that all of the grocery store owners were his friends and often told me how lucky I was to be his son.  I believed that to be true and I still do today.  My only other memories of him while I was a child, was when he stopped at the house some afternoons for just a few minutes on his way back from Rexburg.

In my teen years, his bread distributorship had to be closed and he went into a wholesale crafts business, which involved him being on the road a lot.  As he valued hard work, sometimes I would work through the night doing something for his business, hoping to gain his respect and good favor.  It was those times, I did feel appreciated for my efforts.

I don't have a single memory of a campout, fishing alone together, a ballgame, throwing the football around, playing catch or any regular things a dad might do with a son.  He was a provider to our family and also a public servant and he spent many hours doing both to the best of his ability.  I never really fit into those plans.

Toward the end of his life, he spent some months putting together his journal containing many experiences of his life.  I'm not sure if he felt his time coming or if it was just coincidence that he finished his writing just before his passing.  As part of his written legacy, he wrote of each of his children, in order.

My oldest sister, Sherry, was his princess and the apple of his eye.  He expounded with well deserved praise for her and wrote page after page of her virtues.  Every word of it was true, as she is certainly a rose among the thorns of 4 boys to come after her.

My next two brothers, Scott and Steve, where born soon after Sherry and my dad loved them all fiercely.  He was exceptionally proud of Scott as a businessman, with a keen mind, and was proud of his later career as a fireman and EMT, becoming EMS Chief for the City of Idaho Falls.  Of Steve, he observed that he was an excellent father, extremely affable, tender, and an outdoorsman.  They loved spending time together when they could.

My brother Mike came 5 years after Steve and was a well respected area athlete in his own right.  Dad was very proud of Mike's athletic success and he would attend his games as often as he could.  I often remember him beaming from the stands.  I think he was even more proud that Mike was a man of God, would do anything for anybody, and was a devoted family man as well.

Of each of my siblings, he wrote long and eloquently.  Every word that he wrote was from his heart and every word was true.  My sister and brothers are incredible people and I feel fortunate to be part of their family.  I remember reading my dad's journal and his thoughts about each of his kids, in order. and seeing the abundance of love that he had for each of them.  When he got to my name, he added a few paragraphs about my work and my kids. I turned the page to read the rest - blank.

I had always just thought of my dad as 'busy'.  He was busy with his business, his church positions and with his work for Bonneville County.  As a young adult, I realized that he was not proud of his youngest son, and in many ways, I also felt he had no reason for pride in me.  He did love my kids very much, as he did all of his grandchildren.  I can't say that I ever felt that he loved me.  It wasn't until my teen years and especially later as a young father, did I come to understand that I was a disappointment to him.  It still hurts me deeply to feel that, even as I write those words, after more than a half century on this earth.

I don't know that if we had the opportunity to have spend any real time together that he could have learned who I was inside.  I know that my mother would likely disagree with me, as what father doesn't love all his children.  I think maybe he was just over it with his kids and was on to his grandkids for his golden years.  He was exceptionally devoted to them all and in many ways, he may have felt that he had a chance to make up for the lost time that he missed with his own children.

To be very clear, I loved my dad very much.  I respected him as a provider, as husband to my mother, and as someone who always kept his word.  I often wonder what I might have done that shaped his feelings for me, and what I could have done differently.  What was it about me that was not worthy of his love?  I certainly have been able to make a long list of potential reasons in the years since.  I am not angry with him nor do I blame him in any way for my problems or shortcomings.  He always did the best he could with what he had.

As a father myself, my experience with my dad has shaped me.  I am far from a perfect dad and my oldest kids also endured living with a workaholic father and a later divorce.  As I wised up some, I have taken more time to be with James, my youngest.  I believe the older kids have been supportive of that and recognize some changes in their dad.  I do not think that they are jealous of the extra time he has received.

Above all, I hope my kids know that I love them and that I am so proud to be their dad.  Every dad hopes their children achieve more and be better people than their father.  Each of my kids has surpassed that.  To my own dad, I love you, I honor you this day and always.  Thank you for the lessons that you taught and for always loving my mother.  I hope that we have a chance someday to be friends.  I would love to know you and I hope that my earthly journey can help make me a son in whom you can be well pleased.

Greener Grass

It has been a busy spring and early summer around the Long house.  We have hosted several parties and family get-togethers so I have been rather busy mowing, trimming, weeding and planting in the front yard, along with endlessly dragging the hose around and setting the sprinklers.  I have dug up endless tree roots, filled low spots, cut down high spots, strongly encouraged the dog to do his 'business' elsewhere, and in general have babied my front yard.  The hammock in the picture is mostly for show, and outside of one glorious occasion, it hasn't been used.  This is the part of my yard that you see if you come visiting, or are lost and end up at the end of my dead end road.  It is a decent first impression, right?

In contrast, this is my back yard.  This is the part that you don't see because it is behind the fence.  In recent years, I have run new water and electrical lines through it, removed trees, and largely ignored it.  To be honest, it is something that I always planned to 'get around to'.  It has one of the finest outdoor basketball courts in all the land, with 12,000 watts of light for those intense night games.  The lights are so bright, I am sure you can see them from space.  There is a fantastic playground too, and a foundation for a future cabana, complete with bathroom and kitchen.  This could be the crown jewel of my property, instead I keep the gate shut when someone comes over and I hope they won't see it from the window inside the house.  It is embarrassing.

In recent months, a close friend told me, "The grass is greener where you water it'.  How true, not only in my own yard, but also in my life.  It has been true in my marriage(s), with my kids, my career, and with my friends.  Any regular attention, like water, caused those things to flourish, while neglect allows the same things to wither and die.  Often, I have been concerned with the things you can see in front of the fence, when the 'crown jewel' is hidden and neglected.  It has been one of my hard lessons and one that I am intent on not repeating.

How true this is of any of our relationships with others, particularly a marriage or significant relationship.  Too often we admire someone else's crown jewel while neglecting our own, and we lose the rich rewards that are already within our grasp.  The grass MAY be greener on the other side of the fence, because someone is taking care of it.  Look behind your own fence, chances are you have an opportunity to green things up at home.

PS      I wanted to say 'drag your hose around at home, but it seemed unseemly.
PSS.  Sorry mom.  I know it was going well until that 'drag your hose' thing

If You Can't Say Somethin' Nice

Some of the biggest lessons in my life have come from being a completely oblivious idiot, or, more likely, not fully considering the consequences of my actions. Recently, I made a huge mistake, and one that was not altogether unlike a mistake that I had made years earlier. I hope THIS time I have fully learned my lesson.

In the last month or so, I had the good fortune of making a new friend.  She was driven, successful with a business that she had created, attractive and a wonderful mother and person.  In the few conversations that I had with her, I really came to admire who she was.  Although in the throes of a divorce, she had an amazingly positive attitude, a quick wit, and an endearing demeanor.  The few times that we spoke, she was always very clear that, although divorcing, she was a married woman and would do nothing to call her fidelity into question.  I respected that immensely.

Here is where the plot thickens. Another very close friend was aware that I had become friends with the woman.  She had heard some very derogatory things about my new friend from a different male friend of hers.  Although she didn't know my new friend personally, she wanted me to know what she had heard.  I am convinced that her only concern was looking out for my best interest and that she had intended no malice.

Enter Daren, to truly make the situation worse.  Suffice it to say that I didn't believe what I heard. Having divorced twice, I thought my new friend 'deserved' to know what some people had been saying about her.  I thought it was worthy information to have so that she could be prepared for any eventuality in the divorce.  When we next spoke, I told her that I had to tell her something the next time I saw her.  MISTAKE.  You don't prep someone for bad news, then let them brood about it until some future date.  She was adamant that I tell her on the spot through Facebook messaging.  Although, I was by then feeling very uneasy, I agreed, feeling like I was doing the 'right thing' by her.  I wasn't.

She was understandably upset and likewise upset with me that I was involved in even telling her.  The next day she went right to the source of the original poison and questioned him about it.  He told my other friend, who told me what was said, and that I had revealed something told to me in confidence - which I had.  My friend, whose only interest was in making sure that I didn't make a mistake, felt thrown under the bus.  In a way, she was right.  Because she shared what she heard with me, she ended up looking like a gossip and I put everything in place to make it appear just that way.  I am so sorry to have violated her trust and confidence in me.  It was reprehensible and I have apologized profusely.  She deserved better of me.

In the end, my new friend was justifiably disappointed in me as a man, and that I would be part of such a painful experience.  I had felt like we were in the beginning stages of a great friendship, but I ruined that by not more carefully considering the far reaching effects of my words.  In parting, she suggested that I take an inward look at myself and discover what would make not be the kind of man that she had believed me to be.  Although I asked her forgiveness and she was gracious enough to grant it, the growing friendship was shattered.  She deserved better of me as well.

I have wrestled mightily with that over the last several weeks.  It brought me back to that old Bambi movie where the Thumper character says, 'If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all". There was no good that could have come out of what I said.  My flawed belief that she deserved to know, only ended up being a painful experience to her, my other friend and me personally.  She didn't deserve to know, not from me anyway.  She deserved my compassion in keeping it to myself.  She deserved my empathy, having been in her shoes, and she deserved my positive words of encouragement.  Similarly, my other friend deserved to know that her trust in me was justified and that I recognized her reasons for sharing what she had been told.  Instead, I sang like a canary.  I had nothing to gain from telling, instead I took that situation and made it as negative as possible under the guise of doing the right thing.  It couldn't have been further from the right thing.

I couldn't be more disappointed in myself for what I did.  Soon after, I tried a 72 hour experiment of only saying positive and affirmative words to people.  It was amazing and seemed to lift those with whom I came in contact.  Even more, it made me feel better about myself and my choices.  Words have power, to build or destroy, for ourselves and others.  I hope to always choose mine with more thought. Again, my profound apologies to those involved.  I can only forgive myself as I make correct choices in the future.  I hope you can all do the same.