Fathers Day. Everyone is posting pictures of themselves with their dads on Facebook. I realize that I do not have any pictures like that, in fact, the only ones that show us together are a few family or wedding pictures. We were never together in picture taking occasions.
Like a lot of boys, my dad was my hero. When I was young, and since, I have never heard of someone who did not like him. He made many friends during his years in business, and later, in politics as a County Commissioner. He was well known for his honesty, hard work, and sense of fairness. He was an all around good guy, from being a handsome young athlete to a well respected community leader. It seemed that everyone knew him. Everyone, that is, except his youngest son.
I was the last of 5 kids, with a 5 year gap between my next oldest brother and I. All of my memories of being with my father centered around work. He was an extremely hard worker and it was something that he taught all of his children. If I wanted to spend any time with him as a child, it would be on his Wonder Bread truck. I remember that all of the grocery store owners were his friends and often told me how lucky I was to be his son. I believed that to be true and I still do today. My only other memories of him while I was a child, was when he stopped at the house some afternoons for just a few minutes on his way back from Rexburg.
In my teen years, his bread distributorship had to be closed and he went into a wholesale crafts business, which involved him being on the road a lot. As he valued hard work, sometimes I would work through the night doing something for his business, hoping to gain his respect and good favor. It was those times, I did feel appreciated for my efforts.
I don't have a single memory of a campout, fishing alone together, a ballgame, throwing the football around, playing catch or any regular things a dad might do with a son. He was a provider to our family and also a public servant and he spent many hours doing both to the best of his ability. I never really fit into those plans.
Toward the end of his life, he spent some months putting together his journal containing many experiences of his life. I'm not sure if he felt his time coming or if it was just coincidence that he finished his writing just before his passing. As part of his written legacy, he wrote of each of his children, in order.
My oldest sister, Sherry, was his princess and the apple of his eye. He expounded with well deserved praise for her and wrote page after page of her virtues. Every word of it was true, as she is certainly a rose among the thorns of 4 boys to come after her.
My next two brothers, Scott and Steve, where born soon after Sherry and my dad loved them all fiercely. He was exceptionally proud of Scott as a businessman, with a keen mind, and was proud of his later career as a fireman and EMT, becoming EMS Chief for the City of Idaho Falls. Of Steve, he observed that he was an excellent father, extremely affable, tender, and an outdoorsman. They loved spending time together when they could.
My brother Mike came 5 years after Steve and was a well respected area athlete in his own right. Dad was very proud of Mike's athletic success and he would attend his games as often as he could. I often remember him beaming from the stands. I think he was even more proud that Mike was a man of God, would do anything for anybody, and was a devoted family man as well.
Of each of my siblings, he wrote long and eloquently. Every word that he wrote was from his heart and every word was true. My sister and brothers are incredible people and I feel fortunate to be part of their family. I remember reading my dad's journal and his thoughts about each of his kids, in order. and seeing the abundance of love that he had for each of them. When he got to my name, he added a few paragraphs about my work and my kids. I turned the page to read the rest - blank.
I had always just thought of my dad as 'busy'. He was busy with his business, his church positions and with his work for Bonneville County. As a young adult, I realized that he was not proud of his youngest son, and in many ways, I also felt he had no reason for pride in me. He did love my kids very much, as he did all of his grandchildren. I can't say that I ever felt that he loved me. It wasn't until my teen years and especially later as a young father, did I come to understand that I was a disappointment to him. It still hurts me deeply to feel that, even as I write those words, after more than a half century on this earth.
I don't know that if we had the opportunity to have spend any real time together that he could have learned who I was inside. I know that my mother would likely disagree with me, as what father doesn't love all his children. I think maybe he was just over it with his kids and was on to his grandkids for his golden years. He was exceptionally devoted to them all and in many ways, he may have felt that he had a chance to make up for the lost time that he missed with his own children.
To be very clear, I loved my dad very much. I respected him as a provider, as husband to my mother, and as someone who always kept his word. I often wonder what I might have done that shaped his feelings for me, and what I could have done differently. What was it about me that was not worthy of his love? I certainly have been able to make a long list of potential reasons in the years since. I am not angry with him nor do I blame him in any way for my problems or shortcomings. He always did the best he could with what he had.
As a father myself, my experience with my dad has shaped me. I am far from a perfect dad and my oldest kids also endured living with a workaholic father and a later divorce. As I wised up some, I have taken more time to be with James, my youngest. I believe the older kids have been supportive of that and recognize some changes in their dad. I do not think that they are jealous of the extra time he has received.
Above all, I hope my kids know that I love them and that I am so proud to be their dad. Every dad hopes their children achieve more and be better people than their father. Each of my kids has surpassed that. To my own dad, I love you, I honor you this day and always. Thank you for the lessons that you taught and for always loving my mother. I hope that we have a chance someday to be friends. I would love to know you and I hope that my earthly journey can help make me a son in whom you can be well pleased.
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