Are You Absolutely Positive?

Those who know me well are aware that I have been on some type of  'journey' in the past few years. I suppose I have been seeking some kind of enlightenment, some belief in who I am as a man, some 'oneness' with the universe and all of that nonsense.  Mostly, I want to be comfortable with the guy I see in the mirror every morning.

One of the things I knew I had to conquer was pride.  Not the kind of pride a parent has for a child or that one might feel for his country or sports team, but foolish pride.  This kind of pride robs you of peace and opportunities for joy.  Most of the major mistakes that I have made in my life have been as a result of pride and wrongly seeking the approval of others when I wanted to feel valued or that I mattered.

I decided to take an alternative route and become very vulnerable and devoid of pride.  I exposed dark times in my life publicly which included self doubt, past thoughts of suicide, relationship difficulty and loss.  While many people have told me that they have identified with my struggles and left encouraged, an equal number accuse me of exposing 'too much', living my life in public and even suggest that it is all just attention seeking.  Both opinions have merit and have caused me many sleepless nights of contemplation.

I never wanted to be the guy that drags his own rain cloud around with him so I challenged myself to a 72 hour test of being only positive.  I would only post positive things, make positive comments to others and maintain positive thoughts at all times.  I thought that it would be easy - it wasn't.  Today is the end of the 72 hours and it was 3 days of struggle between both forces.

No sooner did I start my challenge when someone, for whom I care deeply, hurt me in an immeasurable way.  I found it difficult to keep positive thoughts through the experience and the pain of it all persists.

It reminded me of the Native American parable about the wise grandfather wagering with his grandson about the potential winner of an upcoming fight between two wolves.  It seems the grandfather declared that he knew that the winner of the fight would be the white wolf rather than the black.  When his prediction proved true, the grandson questioned the old man about how he knew with such certainty which wolf would be victorious.  The wise grandfather explained that he had cared for the wolves in the days prior to the fight, and he knew that the victor would be 'the one you feed'.

I have had my share of debilitating experiences and have been knocked off my foundation more than once.  At the same time, there exists in my life sources of infinite joy.  I, and each of us, have the daily opportunity to choose the well from which we will fill our buckets.  Reasons to be sad and depressed are abundant but so are reasons to be happy, fulfilled and joyful.

I know I talk a big game and I am well aware that I will still have my moments of doubt and darkness, but for today, I choose light.  Positivity is a habit that can be developed like any other.  We should separate ourselves from the negative and embrace all the good that we have all around us.  I want to be a positive force in the world and to those with whom I come in contact.

I remain a work in progress...

The Hanging Tree

My Hanging Tree

This is copied and pasted from a Facebook post some months ago. The REAL story came after..

This is my hanging tree. In a way, this will be one of my most revealing posts ever. For years I have struggled with thoughts of taking my own life, during any number of moments of quiet desperation. This is where I had plans to do it, I even had the noose tied for a long time. So many times did I hear about it being the 'cowards way out'. For me, it was more being afraid to actually do it, not for the sweet relief of death, but for the knowledge of the far reaching effects on my family, and the shame and sadness it might bring them. I also considered who might find me and what that image might cause. Its shameful really, to never quite put it out of my mind. It makes me feel weak of mind that I think of it with some regularity. I often look for one good reason to go on another day, usually it comes from a kind word from a friend or a family member. Please don't underestimate how you might affect people that you see on a daily basis. You never know if you might be their reason for hanging on one more day. Currently, my life is improving because of special friends and family and improving business situations. I suspect some of you have had similar thoughts and may not have discussed it with anyone. Please, find someone to talk to. Help is free. Call a friend, call your mom, your spouse or significant other, call me. People care about you, as I am learning, they do about me too...

That was it. For some reason, I felt like someone needed to hear it at the moment I wrote it.  I've never felt necessarily like I was useful in some big God/Karma/Universe/The Secret way but I just rolled with the feeling. The response after posting was amazing, in an overwhelmingly positive way, yet not without its negatives.

First of all, some in my family were concerned that I was then contemplating re-tying the noose - I wasn't.  A girl that I was dating and I decided to see other people, she thought perhaps she was the reason - she wasn't.  I wasn't really sure WHY I posted it at that exact time until later.

If you are my Facebook friend, and you are interested, go check out my original March 11, 2014 post and all the comments to follow.  Pretty diverse.  My own daughter admitted having similar feelings stemming from some bullying at Rigby High School before she transfer, using my address, to Bonneville.

A large number of the public comments came from well meaning friends, whom I love dearly, who wanted to cut the tree down.  I actually love that old tree and the creepy chain hanging from it.  Having it gone would not be a real deterrent if I was still having such thought.  Now when I see the tree, I feel some kind of kinship with it, knowing we are currently past that point.  It doesn't 'beckon' me.

The fascinating part for me came through private messages that I received after posting.  In deference to those people who shared their private thoughts and experiences with me, I wont go into much detail here.  What I am comfortable saying is that no less that three people said that they had read that post and decided NOT to go ahead with their own suicide plans.  One said that if 'someone like me' had such thoughts, then she was not alone in hers and she could also overcome them.    Three seems like a high number of my own friends to be contemplating suicide but that's what it was.  I wonder how many people have/had similar thoughts and didn't contact me.

My mom told me that I did myself a 'real disservice' but being so open about it on Facebook.  She felt, as many do, that I post too many private thoughts that should be kept personal.  She feared that my friends, and potential clients, would see me as being weak and unstable.  Perhaps she is correct with regard to a few on my friends list but I believe the overwhelming majority were supportive and understanding.  If even one person, decided to go on trying even one more day because of what they read, I'll accept any fallout that came with it.

Again, thanks for everyone's kind words and concerns. I won't pretend that suicide is no longer a thought that I entertain.  I think most people, if they were honest, would admit to having such thoughts at some point in their life.  I can say that each day, I find more and more reasons to think I have a wonderful life.

What Is The Point Anyway?

I saw an old high school friend today. Well, she isn't old. Let's say a longtime friend. She still looks like she did in school. When she gave me a hug goodbye, she encouraged me to keep writing this blog and suggested that it could be important to some people. While I don't consider my ramblings as anything particularly noteworthy, the reaction has been very favorable.

I admit to having concerns that if I write in some kind of chronological order, the initial posts will be very depressing and sad. I currently find myself on that other side of a very dark period in my life, something of a refiner's fire. I now allow happiness to leak into my life on occasion and hope to embrace it fully. I have learned that many sad people do not feel worthy of happiness even though it is readily available to them.

This blog is about loss, but also about abundance. This blog is about debilitating sorrow and unparalleled joy. It is about guilt, shame, forgiveness and letting go. It is about fear, regret and peace.

It is about one man's journey and the lessons learned along the way. It is a written account of my path to becoming the person I have always wanted to be. It is about my mistakes and my triumphs.  It is about the people who presented themselves in my life with the express purpose to share a lesson with me.

The blog is about the people who come and go from my life, those who have been endlessly encouraging, as well as those who have found me a shameless attention seeker.

Some people bless your life when they enter it, others by leaving. I hope to be nothing more than a good father, a good son, a good brother and friend. At times, I have been none of those.  To my amazement, I have discovered that when I wake up tomorrow, it will be a new day filled with hope and the chance to be a better man.

Through this blog, I hope to share my attempts to trade my ego for enlightenment, my sorrow for joy, and my ignorance for love. Well, that sounded cheesy as hell but it is late.

Please bear with me for my next few postings. They aren't gonna be too full of sunshine and puppy dog tails but I want you to know from whence I came.  Whence? A little Olde English with which to end. Goodnight.

Of Lost and Future Loves

I often find myself contemplating how two people, who one pledged their undying devotion and love to one another, can find themselves suddenly strangers, sometimes while within the walls of their own home.

Having two ex wives to my credit, or discredit, I am no stranger to the hurt and disappointment that comes along with having lost a love.  Certainly there is some acceptance that it was for the best and I feel I am a better man for having known them.  Still, I consider all of the little steps that happened between the happy "I do's" and the decision to split.

I discovered then, and today, that people do not leave your life if they really want to be with you.  It hurts, it makes you feel inadequate and yet it is preferable to living a life of pretending.

I have had this bad habit in recent years of not always putting things back in the garage after I have used them outside.  A host of mowers, tools, rakes, thatchers, trimmers, sports equipment and the like make it near the garage, but never quite inside.  As a result, they fall victim to the elements, the rain and snow eventually take their toll.  I work hard for my money and all of those things were no small investment. One rainfall probably wouldn't have much adverse effect, but leave things out through  a long winter, and rain and snow eventually ruin the strongest of metal.

How similar is love?  Not taking care of it through one rainfall may not cause much damage, but not taking measures to protect it from outside forces will eventually cost you that which you once valued above all else.

I still believe in love, that there is magic in the right relationship, and that one couple is stronger than two individuals.  I believe that true love means a union that forsakes all others, and is built on a foundation of trust and respect.  If I ever find that person who feels similarly for me, this time I'll know enough to bring her in out of the rain.

Sometimes Life Is Not A Fairy Tale

I guess I have posted enough ridiculousness on Facebook, that many people suggested that I join millions of other bloggers who post equally ridiculous nonsense that no one cares to read.  For me, writing can sometimes be therapeutic and a way to get thoughts out of my head that might otherwise keep me up at night.  To be fair, dozens of people have told me that I am too open and that I expose my soft white underbelly (not pretty) too often.  At the same time, others have found comfort, direction, and a sense of similarity with some of my most troubled times.  This blog is for the latter group, and for some of my family, who really haven't figured me out as yet.

So, my first post will be about the bewildered state in which I find myself.  Every young person imagines that they will find the love of their life, marry, perhaps have a batch of kids, and live a long and fulfilling life in wedded 'bliss'.   Yeah - BS.   I must say that I admire and envy those who are living that dream.  Happy for ya', good on ya'..and all that rot.

Instead, I find myself twice divorced, 4 kids from Round One and another from Round Two.  My kids have been my biggest blessings and were certainly reason enough to be married to their mothers.  Obviously, there is plenty of blame to go around in a failed marriage, and I admit to my share.  I might even accept more than half.  Either way, I'm still divorced.  I still live alone in a bachelor pad out in the sticks.  The quiet can be unnerving at times until the kids come around.

I must mention my former wives (look at that, I still can't really say EX -wives).  They are both wonderful and beautiful women with whom I was happy to share my life and love.  They have given me the greatest gifts in my kids and for that I will be forever grateful.  I wish them nothing but happiness.  I believe kids are a product of both parents, and when one parent attacks another, kids feel that attack too, as part of them.  I want no part in that.

I remember telling a divorcing friend that a failed marriage didn't mean a failed person....then I got divorced myself.  There is no end to the feelings of failure, particularly when the divorce was not of your choosing.  Every divorced person must decide for themselves how much they wanna wallow in their misery and when it is time to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.  Some need extra help to get out of that place.

Being the non custodial parent is tough as well and I often found myself just living for the moments I had the kids around.  Thats not ideal either.

The period following divorce is rich in one thing - OPPORTUNITY.  Each of us, no matter our circumstances has the chance to reinvent ourselves every day.  That is never more true than with a divorced person.  For me, the last year has been all about trying to live a purposeful life and become a person in whom I an be proud.  This blog will be all about that journey, fraught with mistakes, a lot of profound sadness, some laughs, and loads of enlightenment.  If you think you might find something of value here, please feel free to climb aboard, follow, or whatever it is you do with a blog..